Well it's my 3rd time to get sick with a cold/flu this semester. When I get sick, I tend to get sick. The first two times got me down quite a bit as I missed a lot of classes and pracs, including surgeries. The part that got me down more was how I didn't really care that I'd missed them - I would happily stay in bed and read or watch movies; my heart had gotten tired of trying to excel in vet. Many days I don't feel I have the energy or will to be a vet anymore. It's not really a matter of excelling it seems, it's more a matter of struggling to pass, to just make it through the material.
This semester especially has felt like being waist-deep in thick mud out to sea - come way too far to turn back, but the end is so impossibly far away. There are my classmates alongside me and far ahead, and because it's a semester and there are deadlines and exams and after that a short break and then pracs and the next year nearly nonstop there is a sort of ticking clock loudly sounding in my ear that I must not only not stop, but I must start running. Walking is no longer good enough. But it's seeming an incredible feat in this mud. Just when I feel like I'm finally gaining some momentum and interest in forging ahead I get knocked down again with another cold.
At the end of the last bout of sickness I was feeling very despondant until God spoke some encouragement to me through the book 'Lord of my Rocking Boat' by Carol Mayhall (a book I'd previously read and learned much from). Still, it was a struggle. Through all of this has come an overwhelming feeling of stress and when I'm stressed I need to escape people to be alone and process things. But that's not been possible this semester until a couple of weeks ago I was housesitting for 10 days and had a space to myself. I revelled in it, and God gave me a short rest, but it's merely a short respite. So I'm processing and learning and trying to rely on God, learning to trust His good will, trying to be disciplined, and often failing miserably.
And now I find myself knocked back again. This time I want it to be different - I want to not give up on uni and study, but to try and push myself to be diligent even whilst sick. Hopefully it'll help me recover quicker and maintain a more positive spirit towards being a vet. Also if I'm not diligent I won't get an assignment done (worth 15%) and will miss some excellent pracs let alone being hours of material behind. Mostly I want to remember in the midst of this: God is good. If He's allowed something painful in my life I can rest in the knowledge that He will turn it for my good; that He may be trying to teach me something; that He holds the mysteries of these sorts of problems therefore I can trust Him. As Carol Mayhall has done in the past I have recounted the ways God has taken care of me and showered His love and grace on me in the past - He IS Good. Therefore I can trust Him no matter what it feels like now. So I spent some good time learning from His word this morning: Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in your richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. (Col 3:15-16)
Truthfully I haven't been eating healthy the past few weeks which has probably strongly contributed to this 3rd round - but still I have been building up my strength in other ways by getting back into walking and trying to get good sleep and spending the time with God that feeds my soul. I don't think this sickness is entirely (or even mostly?) my fault - things don't seem any different this semester to the 7 before except that I came back exhausted from my UK trip. I haven't forgotten that God told me this semester would be hard - as I was flying back from England and about to embark on another crazy semester after a whirlwind of activity during my winter 'break' I could feel the Holy Spirit telling me it wouldn't be easy, but He'd be with me. He was telling me then that the difficulty would be around my learning to be more honest/open/truthful with people. No more subtle manipulation of conversations, or speaking before I could answer truthfully. No little lies to smooth over an uncomfortable question. And I have been more aware of that. But it seems that was only part of the story. I was not expecting to battle with this physical weakness as well. It has given me more empathy for people who find themselves chronically ill or who become handicapped, when their world is turned upside down and they must learn to define themselves differently. Some things I've been (re)learning (aside from God's Goodness):
My worth doesn't revolve around what I do. No one's does.
God's grace must be sufficient, He says it is, and nothing else is bearing my burden
God alone is my strength, He must be acknowledged as the only One who carries me
Vet school is very hard
I feel very stupid
I can be a very weak-minded individual, but He reminds me of prior growth lest I despair
Only Jesus can help me to be a decent sort of vet if He enables me to get through this
I am so looking foward to Christmas break and not thinking about school or tricky diagnoses stuff until pracs in Jan.
Well, it's late now. I've been singing a bit to Jesus - those 'spiritual songs' :) I need to sleep if I'm to recover so I'm off to bed. His grace is sufficient. Even if I fail this earth test He has promised He is making me/already made me just like Jesus, I don't fail heaven's test.
