Today's musings

I just watched Gromit spend a satisfying 7 minutes playing with a cooked green bean. He had a contented purr the entire time and batted it back and forth, picked it up and moved it. He batted it off the couch, played on the floor with it for a bit, and then grabbed it and placed it back on the couch. It'd roll down towards me and be lost in the crease of the couch and my leg. Then he'd try diving for it, fail miserably, and I'd rescue it and place it further out on the couch again. It was quite fun to watch him. :)

Today was beautiful. I was also really able to focus in church and even though I checked the on-call phone a couple of times, I was able to do it calmly, without great trepidation. I was very thankful for the Lord's peace. And I was also grateful that there weren't any calls during church or even directly afterwards (or earlier in the morning for that matter either!).

I chatted with a girl at church I'd met once before a couple of weeks ago. She'd been out of town a lot and not been in most of the times I'd been going, hence only meeting once. Today we were able to have a proper conversation downstairs over drinks and snacks in the fellowship hall. What fun to find someone else about my age, interested in tea and movies and good books (Jane Austen was discussed) and teaching who was fun and vibrant! She had liked my hat the previous time we met, and today liked my new (to me) pink wool jacket, and we commented on the great finds made at op-shops. I felt like I may have finally met someone up here who is similar in spirit to me, not just job. While people at work are super lovely and we enjoy chatting about lives outside of the clinic, I miss talking God and getting really animated about art and English with someone. And I did today. It was very very nice. It was also very very nice to not talk vet for a while. Happy sigh.

 Plenty of calls today, but nothing yet that I needed to go in for. If I believed in luck or the ability to sway God with simple actions I would say 'Finger's crossed.' But I don't. I do, however, believe in a God who is actually all-powerful. This same God loves me intensely, and actually knows me intimately. Far more so than anyone else. Not only is He all-powerful, incredibly loving, and KNOW me, He has also planned good things for me. Good things to do, to be a part of, to have happen to.

I struggle to remember that when I am on call, or heading into work for the 'long' 3 days in a row. I struggle to keep fear at bay and hold onto His promises to never leave me and never forsake me. Because there's a lot of forsaking going on in the world. Sadly I do it at times too. This broken world has rotten necrotic shadows tainting every bit of it. God is the only good thing. And God so loved the whole wide world, that He gave Jesus, His only son, so that whoever believes in Jesus (as His sin-taker and place-maker) gets to have eternal LIFE. And anything else good in the world - comes from God. So when a surgery goes more quickly than I anticipated/dreaded, or when a followup consult shows a treatment success, a client is warm and welcoming, a difficult case is diagnosed, or there's some fun banter going on out back, that is God and His goodness.

It is also God and His goodness that helped me to not dread the calls last night, instead feeling concern for patients and wondering if some we'd seen that day were doing alright that night. It was a nice feeling, to not just feel put-upon or anxious. It is also God and His goodness that lets my purring kitten drape himself happily all over me or snuggle next to me for cuddles. God's goodness gives me a boss who is quick to praise and slow to be negative; quick to answer my calls and quick to support me. She is also a boss who takes the phone when I am sick, stays for an emergency just after closing rather than call me in, and shares food, hottubs, and life. She is a VERY gracious person, and I certainly couldn't have asked for a better new-grad boss. That is God's goodness to me.
So - when I am feeling overwhelmed, frustrated by surgeries, tired, homesick, apathetic, worried for Strudel, slow to process, and confused by clinical presentations, I will remember that God is good and has spread His goodness willingly around me. I want to trust Him to continue to do that.

Just call me Dr Almost Death

This morning presented a very normal experience, I suspect. But as it is still mildly interesting, and as I think others will enjoy the fact that it was me, and not them, I will relay it. I also felt, immediately afterward, that it was a very James Herriot experience, which encouraged me, and helped me to find the funny side of it. I am on call this week, which means I have the phone that rings, sometimes in the middle of the night. I then shudder and answer the phone, take note of what the answering service is telling me regarding someone who's called and what the issue is. I then call the person, try to respond intelligently, and pray inwardly that it is not an emergency and I can either go back to bed or continue with whatever else I am doing. My first week, I've averaged about one call each night requiring attention. Last night I had none. hmmmm. suspiciously 'nice'. Wake up this morning with a sore throat. I am not surprised as I've had a terrible headache all week and one of the receptionists has been horrifically sick at work. Think happy, and dreading, thoughts about how the phone hasn't rung all night and speculating when it might ring next. Contemplate and message to chat with parents, hear no reply. Get hot tea, sit on couch, and the phone rings. So and so is calling, the dog had a seizure, is a very old dog, they think now is a good time to euthanase. I encourage them to keep the dog quiet for a bit, I will get ready and meet them at the clinic. Agree. click. Groan! Message parents, can't chat, love you, hope you have a good night. poo. Shower, make more hot tea and I head up to work. Am getting pretty good at opening the door and getting the code punched in for the alarm. ta da! Then turn on computer, open safe, get forms out, find the animal's record, and wait. My boss comes in to check on one of our friendly boarding cats, tells me where she'll be if I need any help, and away she goes. I start to read some comics I brought while waiting, and drink my tea. Owner's friend (lady who rang) arrives and I discuss options. Owner had decided best to euthanase, Friend fills out form, and then I go out and help her bring in the dog - who is a bit grouchy so gets a muzzle, and in a difficult position but we finally get her on the stretcher and walked inside. I decide we'll just take care of her on the floor in the waiting area, rather than walk further into the clinic, and then lug her back out (she is a nice hefty dog). Soo...then I go and get the Lethabarb (glad I already opened the safe!), tourniquet, clippers, and alcohol. Realize I forgot to put deodorant on in my haste this morning, feeling a bit icky. Praying that God helps me get the vein. God decides it is better for me to not get it right away. Apply tourniquet to right arm, shave a section, see the vein, stick the needle, draw back - no blood. no problem, just redirect. No blood. Damn vein - where are you?! (Please God, help me get the vein. God still says no) Pull out, assess vein - yes, it does appear and feel to be right there. Awkwardly crouched on the floor, Friend holding the dog's head. "hmm, she has low blood pressure, it's quite difficult to get this vein." Retry. nothing. Dog flails a bit, and Friend asks is it done yet. Ha, I wish! "Sorry, not yet. having trouble with this vein. I will try the other side. Very sorry" - that's okay, she replies generously. So we swap sides. This is even slightly more of an awkward position. Apply tourniquet to left leg, shave, pleading with God, stick needle. Some blood, loosen tourniquet, dog decides to thrash, vein blown. In my desperate hope I decide to inject some anyway. I decide I am not convinced until I have nearly injected all of it, and can definitely see the vein is blown. Damn! Could this be any worse?! Friend asks "is that enough solution then?" sigh. "I am very sorry, the vein has blown, I will have to go get some more." "ok". get new syringe, new needle, more solution from the back. Begging God - for the Friend's sake, please let me get this dog humanely killed! pause, breathe, realise I am a bit shaky, go back out. Rather than making the Friend move to the other side again, I decide to try the right front leg from my left awkward position. Reapply tourniquet, needle, some satisfying draw-back, loosen tourniquet, inject quickly. finally. the old dog can just sleep the happy sleep of death, finally going to doggy heaven. I listen for a long time to be sure she has gone. Yes, she's gone. Friend gets blanket, I realise I should've done the billing first. Hope it goes smoothly. it does not. I already had the invoice made up (another small victory), Friend pulls out card - rats, I don't do cards yet. I attempt to figure out how to use the machine. Nope. it's not having it. I swipe a few times, sigh again - I'm so sorry, I will just have to bill you as I can't figure out the machine, Friend tries but also doesn't know. She says that is fine, she will come in on Tuesday (monday is a holiday). I help her out with the dog, say something awkwardly (not a good time to wish her a happy weekend), walk back inside. Now I realise I am not feeling so hot, my throat is still sore, I am starting to feel a bit feverish, and now quite jittery. Ahhhhhh. Throughout the Friend is more than gracious in this very frustrating moment. I try not to think about what she might be relaying back to the Owner about the experience, sit for a bit and wonder when the phone will ring next, and then drive home.

Third time around and learning more grace

Well it's my 3rd time to get sick with a cold/flu this semester. When I get sick, I tend to get sick. The first two times got me down quite a bit as I missed a lot of classes and pracs, including surgeries. The part that got me down more was how I didn't really care that I'd missed them - I would happily stay in bed and read or watch movies; my heart had gotten tired of trying to excel in vet. Many days I don't feel I have the energy or will to be a vet anymore. It's not really a matter of excelling it seems, it's more a matter of struggling to pass, to just make it through the material.
This semester especially has felt like being waist-deep in thick mud out to sea - come way too far to turn back, but the end is so impossibly far away. There are my classmates alongside me and far ahead, and because it's a semester and there are deadlines and exams and after that a short break and then pracs and the next year nearly nonstop there is a sort of ticking clock loudly sounding in my ear that I must not only not stop, but I must start running. Walking is no longer good enough. But it's seeming an incredible feat in this mud. Just when I feel like I'm finally gaining some momentum and interest in forging ahead I get knocked down again with another cold.
At the end of the last bout of sickness I was feeling very despondant until God spoke some encouragement to me through the book 'Lord of my Rocking Boat' by Carol Mayhall (a book I'd previously read and learned much from). Still, it was a struggle. Through all of this has come an overwhelming feeling of stress and when I'm stressed I need to escape people to be alone and process things. But that's not been possible this semester until a couple of weeks ago I was housesitting for 10 days and had a space to myself. I revelled in it, and God gave me a short rest, but it's merely a short respite. So I'm processing and learning and trying to rely on God, learning to trust His good will, trying to be disciplined, and often failing miserably.
And now I find myself knocked back again. This time I want it to be different - I want to not give up on uni and study, but to try and push myself to be diligent even whilst sick. Hopefully it'll help me recover quicker and maintain a more positive spirit towards being a vet. Also if I'm not diligent I won't get an assignment done (worth 15%) and will miss some excellent pracs let alone being hours of material behind. Mostly I want to remember in the midst of this: God is good. If He's allowed something painful in my life I can rest in the knowledge that He will turn it for my good; that He may be trying to teach me something; that He holds the mysteries of these sorts of problems therefore I can trust Him. As Carol Mayhall has done in the past I have recounted the ways God has taken care of me and showered His love and grace on me in the past - He IS Good. Therefore I can trust Him no matter what it feels like now. So I spent some good time learning from His word this morning: Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in your richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. (Col 3:15-16)
Truthfully I haven't been eating healthy the past few weeks which has probably strongly contributed to this 3rd round - but still I have been building up my strength in other ways by getting back into walking and trying to get good sleep and spending the time with God that feeds my soul. I don't think this sickness is entirely (or even mostly?) my fault - things don't seem any different this semester to the 7 before except that I came back exhausted from my UK trip. I haven't forgotten that God told me this semester would be hard - as I was flying back from England and about to embark on another crazy semester after a whirlwind of activity during my winter 'break' I could feel the Holy Spirit telling me it wouldn't be easy, but He'd be with me. He was telling me then that the difficulty would be around my learning to be more honest/open/truthful with people. No more subtle manipulation of conversations, or speaking before I could answer truthfully. No little lies to smooth over an uncomfortable question. And I have been more aware of that. But it seems that was only part of the story. I was not expecting to battle with this physical weakness as well. It has given me more empathy for people who find themselves chronically ill or who become handicapped, when their world is turned upside down and they must learn to define themselves differently. Some things I've been (re)learning (aside from God's Goodness):
My worth doesn't revolve around what I do. No one's does.
God's grace must be sufficient, He says it is, and nothing else is bearing my burden
God alone is my strength, He must be acknowledged as the only One who carries me
Vet school is very hard
I feel very stupid
I can be a very weak-minded individual, but He reminds me of prior growth lest I despair
Only Jesus can help me to be a decent sort of vet if He enables me to get through this
I am so looking foward to Christmas break and not thinking about school or tricky diagnoses stuff until pracs in Jan.
Well, it's late now. I've been singing a bit to Jesus - those 'spiritual songs' :) I need to sleep if I'm to recover so I'm off to bed. His grace is sufficient. Even if I fail this earth test He has promised He is making me/already made me just like Jesus, I don't fail heaven's test.